with your own penis?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Randomize
