I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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