Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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