she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
