I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
