Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
