it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
