Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
