You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
