I got chris browned last night
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
