Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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