Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
