I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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