Just fell off a train. Bad.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Be still, my beating vagina.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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