We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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