Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
last night I used snow as a chaser
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
