Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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