He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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