Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
