You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
