I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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