Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
