wakey wakey hands off snakey
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
