I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
