youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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