Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
