I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My dick has a subreddit
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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