my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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