i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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