I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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