was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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