i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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