I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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