What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
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