I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
