Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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