I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
