just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
