Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The beer is more important than you right now.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
