You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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