so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
