Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
