I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
