I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
