I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
