remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
