The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
