Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
