the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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