I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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