I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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