I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
