I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
