Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
