can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
