You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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