Whatcha textin bout Willis?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Randomize
